The Beats of the Heart

          Lately I've been listening to the heart. Literally hearing the thumping of the heart's rate, varying depending on circumstances. There is so much noise in the world, and it is hard to discern the beats of the heart, and even harder to hear the tapping of blood. It is pressure pushing on through our veins, and with every nearly silent thud, we live a second longer. The miracle of human existence we so easily forget or take for granted.

          It is so easy for us to carelessly live our lives, thinking we have all the time in the world, as if the sun revolves around us and that earth will always stand firm beneath our feet. But the earth quakes, and if we are wise, we ride it and let it shake us to our core. Because we are man. Infinitely finite and immortally prone to death.

         It is so hard for us to not live without the burden of our worry. We stress so easily, but anything and everything, thinking that if we dwell on our worry, that maybe we can have some kind of dominance over it. By worshipping our fears and letting them flood us, that somehow we can control our fate. But the truth is, we do not have as much control over life as we would like to have.

         There is a balance, somewhere. An in-between, that I most certainly have not found. This line in the sands of our time, draining away, is a battle line. We choose our side daily, sometimes hopping between the sides, trying to catwalk a thin fence. There is the high and low, and the struggle for balance is pressure, the sudden first pounding in our veins till the last thump fades away. If we are not careful, we will fall. If we are but careless, we’ll miss the opportunities that come from our short, yet sweet life.

        And then there is the pain. So much pain. The pain that causes our fears, that prompts us to choose the sides we would rather not, to lose our balance on our short walk. So much in life is uncontrollable. I think the hardest thing for me to do is to watch someone I care about suffer; all the while I am powerless to make a difference. I would take the pain. Unreasonable pain tolerance is my forte, but my Achilles heel is the suffering of others. I have little tolerance for this, or rather; this is what twists my heart.

       A cold, unbreakable wall I am, unflinching and without tears, but my blood curdles at the feeling of being powerless. The feelings of not having control over the outcome of my life or without the power to aid others, I am helpless. In the wake of my own powerlessness, I am dead silent. Where are the words when your actions mean nothing?

       I listen because I hate not knowing what someone wants. Or needs. I listen to hear the heart beats of the world around me. I listen and dare not speak so I may not be distracted by myself. Yet when I do not speak, when I cannot say anything, do I deprive myself? We only have one life, and then it is gone. Will we lose our life if we do not live it? If we are not bolder than the boldest thoughts we could wildly imagine? So what if our words tear down walls? There’s no time to dust. We must trudge on.

       It is a miracle we even exist, let alone keep existing. Take heart, and remember. There is no room for the petty. There is no room for what ifs. Use your beats and blood well, and let it flow forth and stain this world while you’re still here to see it. But most of all,

Let it be your heart.